Overwhelmed

I said a couple of weeks ago that I would be writing something about late career flexible working. This isn’t that post. 

Although it is related.

Instead, I’ve brought forward a piece to catch up with UK Mental Health Week, and an inspiring talk, “Being Intentional About Wellbeing”, by Rob Stephenson, mental health campaigner and keynote speaker, (https://www.linkedin.com/in/robstephenson/) at the CIPD in Sussex Branch Annual Meeting in Crawley on 14th May.

One of Rob’s invitations in particular grabbed my attention. He encouraged us to reflect on a time when we experienced ‘Wellbeing Vulnerability’ and what lessons we may or may not have learned as a result. This blog is my reflection about a particular challenge I experienced last year.

Basically, I had painted myself into a corner. I had too many programmes in development for too many internal and external stakeholders, with too many deliverables and deadlines looming. I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

But I didn’t communicate that fact, and I didn’t ask for help. I tried to keep going, all the while giving myself a hard time for not admitting to this. It was my job, my responsibility to deliver. 

All this, of course, was amplified by the fact that I was not physically surrounded by colleagues. I was effectively ‘flying solo’ at home, with my interactions dictated by Teams calls and emails. Through the lens of the laptop screen, everyone else seemed to be coping - so it must just  be me. 

Although digitally ‘present and correct’, I was actually struggling and hiding. 

Eventually, I admitted how I was feeling to my wife, whose characteristic and pragmatic two-word advice was "Go sick!". I called in sick.

The release - and relief - was instant. Suddenly, the self-imposed distress of the previous weeks disappeared. Of course, this was immediately replaced by the guilt at having walked away and left work undone, colleagues more than likely having to step in and client programme delivery deadlines put at risk. And I was ashamed. After a week off, I contacted my GP and was signed off with stress. 

For the next few weeks, I only communicated with my Line Manager and the Head of HR, both of whom were 100% reassuring and who mobilised both the colleague support, to keep things on track in my absence, and the welfare support, communication and compassion I needed to enable me to return to work. 

When I felt better I went back to work in a staged return, and faced into a more supportive situation where work was more equally distributed, and where processes had been tweaked and roles/responsibilities (including mine) had been altered accordingly.

The wheels hadn’t come off; nobody died and all the programme deadlines were met!

That model effectively became our new way of working and continued successfully up until I left the CIPD amicably a few weeks ago. I am grateful to all my colleagues for supporting me through that challenging time and, indeed, for all their commitment and compassion throughout.

So what did I learn here? Self-care is difficult. Admitting to self-doubt is difficult. Asking for help is difficult. Not doing so leads to guilt, panic, shame, inauthentic behaviour and a spiralling sense of looming catastrophe (I’m being rubber-banded back to that time as I write this!).

So my ask of you is this: if you find yourself in a similar situation at work, if you feel yourself overwhelmed, spiralling into depression, unable to cope, fearful of being ‘found out' - own up to it. Ask for help. Talk to a friend, your partner, your manager, to your HR Team, to your employee assistance programme provider. 

Yes, it takes courage to show vulnerability, but in doing so, you will open the door to a world of help and support. And things will change and get better for you.

It worked for me.

Living in the Grey

Life isn't binary. It isn't black and white. It's fractal. It's grey. It's ambiguous. It's messy. 

Yet we seem to be living in an age where everything is polarised, where choice is limited to extremes and where navigation through, amongst and between those opposites feels confusing and overwhelming.

But that's where most of us live, doing the best we can with the information and the resources that we have available to us, while being harangued, cajoled, bullied or, at best, encouraged to conform to one way of being or another.

Sometimes those imperatives are external, imposed on us, and sometimes they are internal, self-imposed. Much of the time, they seem to be at war with each other. And therein lies the cost we pay.

It may not be obvious or apparent at the time.  If you try to live by a set of values and beliefs, try to do the right things by and for everyone and everything for and to whom you feel a responsibility, when you 'push through', those costs get stored up and come home to roost later - in our physical and/or mental health, in our spiritual wellbeing and/or in our relationships.

Perhaps that's where the concept of a work/life balance originated. The idea that we could reconcile those conflicting demands for a fulfilling and meaningful means of earning enough to balance our own physical, spiritual and emotional needs against, and meet, the same needs of our dependent or obligated others. The hope that we can find equilibrium in the ambiguity between.

But it's something to which we tend only to pay lip service. The reality is that few of us think we have the choice to behave differently, to decline the divided path, but to travel lightly and bridge them, until it's too late, the damage is done.  And for some, there is no way back.

I have learned much in the last 14 months. I am not playing binary any more. Look for me in the  messy, grey spaces instead.

Recent Reflection #1 - An Opportunity

This is the first of the promised "quick and dirty" blogs arising out of my previous blog Reflection? I don't have time for reflection wherein I undertook to blog more often and more quickly, on three different topics.  This blog captures my quick thoughts on a recent personal management development opportunity at work. 

What did I do?

I recently took over resonsibity for the delivery - and the team leadership - of our Management Development training and, in doing so, amalgamating the MD Training team with my small Learning Technologies team at the same time.

This is as a result of a temporary (18 months) reorganisation of our HR leadership team responsibilities, to enable each of the HR Heads to to focus our efforts on better supporting the organisation's key strategic objectives.

 

What did I Learn?

By meeting with the MD Team Leader regularly and speaking with each of the team members individually, I have learned that there is a wealth of knowledge, talent and enthusiasm in the combined team. Individually and collectively, they have expressed excitement and/or interest in exploring how we can deliver a relevant and effective learning programme in support of the strategic objectives - by working and training smarter - and in further developing their skills to be able to do so. 

 

What am I going to do with this learning?

Both teams bring with them a previously agreed set of objectives and a delivery plan, which has to be honoured while we finess the integration into one cohesive team, the upskilling - where necessary - of the individual team members therein and we identify the 'quick win' opportunities to develop and deliver learning that's relevant and accessible to the business.  I will lead the team quickly through this forming/storming period, ensuring that everyone is engaged and empowered to participate and collaborate.  I will carefully manage my own workload and calendar and ensure that I pay attention to my own health and wellbeing during this period as well as monitoring that of the team. By the end of the calendar year, we will be 'normed' and performing.

P.S: On another 'lesson learned' note, I previously updated my social media feeds about my new responsibility in such a way that it could have been interpreted that I had been promoted at someone else's expense, and this led to some awkwardness for another colleague and some guidance for me from my own line manager.  I am pleased to say we have cleared the air around this and I have clarified the temporary nature of the reorganisation. I learned to be more sensitive to the impacts of discussing internal matters externally where there may be ambiguity, and I will self-check more attentively before posting in the future - this blog being part of that process.